Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Every. Damn. Time.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help