As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]