Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.