“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Hey I worked for it too!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends