An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
What an awful time to have common sense.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.