Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You Might Also Like
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.