haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth