Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes