Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.