My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
🐕🍷
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out