A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
getting old is fun
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”