Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?