[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Received some very disappointing news today
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When they try to steal your moment.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
mathematically impossible