I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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what the
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.