Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
scares
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s