Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
he’s doing your taxes
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.