Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts