IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”