Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.