A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Spa day..😅
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.