“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?