[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.