The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Comparing yourself to others
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails