Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]