[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You Might Also Like
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.