My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
You Might Also Like
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Candles never taste the way they smell
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg