I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go