I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
sigh
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed