Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
This woman is my idol. Free her.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself