Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black