If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
New tinder profile pic
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch