I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
yeah not falling for this one
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you