I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
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How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.