The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When a shoelace touches your ankle
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
12653.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…