my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*jingles half the way*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.