The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
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Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I think we should hear other voices.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.