Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
me 2 months after i graduated
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That