[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
You Might Also Like
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.