The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
You Might Also Like
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
sugar glider wrangler
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.