i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
How to properly lift a body
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism