I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Uh oh…
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.