Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m awake but I object,
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.