Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
You Might Also Like
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Finished stitching this today 😇
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
accurate
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!