STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum