peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Become ungovernable.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.