Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You Might Also Like
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Very good! 👍😂
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
January has been Januweary
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.