(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise