What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.