I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.