The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.